This is post 2 from the series “Interpersonal Relationships”. You can read the previous post 1 by clicking here.
The first post established the basic in any relationship – finding the common ground, entering in a sense of agreement and thus building a relationship. As the relationship grows, we start to understand better each other’s lives, which will undeniably connect us to shortcomings, frustration and disappointments. This happens in any relationship and for a good cause: we are all humans and as such, we are imperfect. We make mistakes – often without noticing them in the first place.
So this second topic discusses this very point – when the person you trust the most, fall short from your expectations. This will happen in any relationship, with anyone, at any point and with an unlimited number of occurrences. So we need to learn how we can cope with this the best way possible in order to strengthen the relationship instead of straining it.
The basic point of view, once again, starts from yourself. The person we choose to build a relatioship with, because of this sense of agreement and common ground, is therefore very similar to you, think of it as a reflection of yourself. Now, we are not always known for understanding where our own shortcomings are, which is why it’s useful to base our own identity as something that is tied to the environemnt and friends we choose to surround us.
Ask yourself: “am I perfect?”, to which the answer will undeniably be “no”. So, you’ve made some mistakes in your life as well. Most of the times, unintentionally and most of the times, without thinking it through and definitely not knowing that it’d hurt someone who’s important in your life. So that is the first step – by understanding and acknowledging that we are just as prone to make a mistake as anyone, we realize that the person we are in a relationship with also makes mistakes. You may not accept the mistake, nor will knowing that the person is not perfect make you forgive him/her any faster, but it is a good starting point.
“We must realize that just as we make mistakes, the other person will also make mistakes. It is a fact.”
Now we are down to the many categories of a mistake. Some, are small in nature, but are misinterpreted and create a much bigger negative experience. Some, are not small in nature but subtle – these do not carry out a strong, negative experience at first, but contribute to the eventual collapse of the relationship. Some, are what’s called “acceptable mistakes” which happens on an almost day-t0-day basis, to which we pay little attention to since their negative experience is very limited and easily understandable.
Note how I keep writing “negative experience”. This is really what a mistake is, in essence: an action, which triggers a negative experience. We choose, based on our own experience, whether this negative feeling will be small, medium, or big. Whether or not this is an excusable or unexcusable mistake. So really, we are the ones who ultimately get to decide whether to make a big deal of it or not. This, I’m assuming everyone already knew, even if explained through different words.
But just as anyone, includingyourself, is prone to make mistakes, so do they have the ability to learn from their mistakes and ultimately become a better person. The question is not on whether or not the experience will teach something to both of you. The question lies in your ability to recognize the lesson and apply it to your daily life in order to nuture this relationship. The decision must be mutual – all parties in the relationship must agree that they need to grow from this negative experience, no matter who initiated it.
It takes one person to commit the mistake and initiate the negative experience.
It takes another person to acknowledge the negative experience and qualify it based on his/her own experiences.
So the first step is to understand that everyone will make mistakes at some point of the relationship. It is not something to fear – it is something to understand and accept as a fact. So we must allow our partner to be imperfect.
The second step is enter a mutual agreement that both of you understand the first step, and realize the importance of learning from this negative experience. Just as one is guilty of starting it, the second one is also guilty of qualifying it based on his/her own set of experiences. So one initiates, the other qualifies it and creates the experience.
Both first and second steps are about acceptance. Accepting each other, the good, the bad, and the worse. Accepting the fact that just like yourself, the other person is also imperfect and will make mistakes. Acceptance at this point, represents your willingness to allow the person to be genuine and commit mistakes.
One common misconception is that by allowing the person to make mistakes, then mistakes will happen all the time. That is not always the case, and seldom is the case if you really know the person well. We start from the assumption that neither of you want to knowingly hurt each other - if that were true, you’d be in an abusive relationship which you have to end as soon as possible. But a good relationship relies on this very assumption in order to survive. Once the person feels accepted, that his/her mistakes are not seen as the ultimate proof of the demise of a relationship, that person then is free to learn and experience things in the relationship which will take it to the next level. In order words, both of you feel accepted, you will no longer feel the need to be perfect. You allow each other some room to grow, and some room to breathe.
Once that is achieved, then the mistakes are seen as things to work on, which will ultimately strengthen the relationship, rather than something that is negative, degrating and punishable.
“I know you, I know myself, and I know that none is perfect. I allow you to be imperfect, I allow myself to be imperfect. I understand that through imperfections, we will achieve perfection.”
