Ok, the title seems a lot more depressive than it really ought to be. By now, we probably think in the same way about how to live life:
1. Find a nice girl/boy
2. Marry this nice girl/boy
3. Have kids with this nice girl/boy
4. These kids, will have children of their own, with their respective nice girl/boy
5. You live your life with your chosen mate, who was your nice girl/boy
You look around in the movies, and ALL of them touch on some, or all, of these points. It’s always about family. And family, is always about finding that nice person.
Except that nowadays the movies changed a bit – instead of showing nice girlfriends and nice boyfriends who turn to become nice wives and nice husbands, we are inundated with plots revolving around people being unfaithful to each other, marrying for money or rights, fighting and many other types of violence.
And you’re there, sitting on your couch, ever convinced that well, “this is just how REAL life is”. The good and correct became fairy tale while the bad and corrupt became the real life. You watch those movies about “real life”, and can instantly either (1) identify with it based on some experience you’ve had or (2) know someone who has gone through those hardships. So in a sense, no matter how cruel the relationship becomes, most of us can identify with it in some level or another.
And we wonder why our relationships don’t work?
We are who we believe to be. We bring what we seek, consciously or unconsciously. Whatever it is that you are looking for, you will find it. Now, what is it that you are looking for? Have you stopped to think about this for a second? Are you REALLY looking for happiness, or are you constantly on the lookout for unhappiness?
When you are on the lookout for something, you are not preventing it from happening. You re searching your horizon for it.
Now there’s nothing unatural about any of this. Feelings of jealousy, possession, anger, frustration, lust – are all completely natural feelings, and it’s normal for anyone to feel any combination of these feelings. We are human. You, my dear reader, are human as well, and entitled to feel all of the above mentioned feelings. And you have, and you will.
I constantly think about this. At first, it all seems perfect. You are in perfect harmony with your loved one. He/she does things that make you happy, without you asking for it, so it all comes as a surprise. It comes as a surprise, because you were not expecting it.
Oh, but does it feel good. The explosion within your chest, of a good surprise, the intensity of the feelings that this event has brought to you – you will probably never forget it. So what now? What happens? Well, like any animal out there, you want pleasure and you want to avoid pain. It’s really that simple. So your brain tries to seek after that very thing, that made you so happy. And that person, hopefully, is happy to oblige – he/she will keep doing the things that you love because they make you feel good – and if you’re feeling good, they are feeling good as well.
That is, until the bubble bursts.
One day, the person doesn’t do it anymore. You find it odd.
The second day, that person still did not do it. You find it annoying.
The third day, you start thinking that something is wrong.
Now, what’s really bad about this? Nothing! There’s nothing wrong with it. Except that you now are stuck in a situation that you are unhappy, because now you are expecting that person to that same thing he/she always did, and made you happy.
With expectation, comes frustration.
With expectation, comes the insatiable feeling of want.
With expectation, comes the feeling of not being good enough.
With expectation, comes delusion.
With expectation, comes suffering.
Now I’m not saying things will never turn out the way you want them to be. But it’s really a careful combination of waiting expectantly, and fearing it to be lost forever. We usually tend to give much more attention and focus on the things that we do not want, instead of focusing on things that we do want. Which is why expectation can become an open door for a world of suffering.
We should all want to be happy from the deepest parts of our soul – but we should not expect anything from anyone
You see, it’s all about perspective. If I want to win, I’m not going to put myself in a position where I would lose. That just wouldn’t make sense, right? It’s like racing a friend, and wanting to win, but allowing your friend to start the race 40 seconds earlier. You may still win, but now you’ve just put yourself in a position where you could lose. So what do you really do? You make sure you are in good condition to race. You make sure you have all the instruments/materials you need to race well. You plan it well. You practice it, only thinking about winning. You improve, you grow, you become better.
Living life is the same exact thing. We should live our lives by putting ourselves in positions where we couldn’t lose. When you start having expectations, you automatically open the door for your expectations to not be met. So there’s that chance of facing unhappiness! So you now think “wait, I want to be happy, but every so often, I do things that open the door for me to be unhappy.” and something rings true in your heart. Ah… there it is. The realization that even though people from the outside made you unhappy, you were the person who opened many doors that could lead you to this place.
I’m not a gambler – mostly because I never seem to win in gambles. So some call it bad luck. Well, be as it may, if I have bad luck in gambles, I am going to make sure that the possibility of me losing are slim to none, correct? So I put myself in a position where it’s easy for me to win. The same way works in our lives.
Expectation is good – it is like gasoline feeding a fire. But because we are so prone of putting that fire in the wrong place of our lives, so many people tell us to not expect anything, see? But when you put your mind in the correct place, that happiness really comes from within, and not from the acceptance of anyone else, not even your husband/wife, you can start expecting again. Because your expactation will change. It will become:
I want to be happy. And I expect to be happy.
Nowhere in the above sentence, is expectation based on actions taken from anyone else – other than yourself.
So you are really gambling against yourself.
Sometimes you win… and sometimes you win.
